My Faith Gives Me Strength

If someone needs faith to stop them from doing wrong then something is wrong with the person, not the faith.

I know that something is wrong with me, I understand that my faith and desire to not get in trouble are the only things stopping me from snapping. Exploding in anger and making my life swirl down the drain, never to be the same. My faith has been my only company on many occasions, the only thing holding me when I cry, comforting me when I feel the most alone. Even now, with yet another unnecessary and idiotic stress load being thrust upon me I feel wishing that the Dark Gods would take me into the cloak of their darkness. It is a mechanism that has always been a part of me. Things go horribly wrong and I look unto the pit of the darkness, not as a way to get away, but in wonderment as what could lie within. Nothing but nonexistence, my energy being used so that I may be reborn as whatever is required by the Earth Goddess as she slumbers.

I sometimes believe that I will soon be like one of those ultradevout Christians that always talk about their faith in one way or another when you speak to them. Not the ones that are constantly trying to convert you, but the ones who are so in tune with their faith that they're inseparable from it. I've been through so much emotionally speaking that taking me from paganism will result in me clutching onto it with a death grip. I wonder though, were I not made aware of paganism and was just alone without faith, friends, love, or anyone to make me feel good for myself, would I be here? I don't think I would be, even now I peer over the edge into the ether, so without faith I may decide to take the plunge. A depressed soul I know I am, but I need meaning to give me identity. For now I identify heavily with paganism, but I want more, this is one of many reasons why I want to be in the military.

As odd as it may be that a pagan is deciding to take part in the military A blog post that I need to make anyway its something that I feel I need right now to give me some form of happiness. I thought that simply getting a job would help, but extenuating circumstances of course crushed that. But looking to sadness never helps relieve the pain I've felt for so long, I'm robbing myself of happiness. But how can you look to find happiness when the land around you is dead and without sunshine?

Ugh, but I'm rambling now, seeing the pool of dread next to me and trying to drown myself in it for some sense of relief.

So at the end of the day will I decide to call upon the darkness to sweep me up and take me away from this world? No, I won't commit suicide, I'm too chicken to do it anyway, my will to live outweighs the desire for peace and eternal slumber. Though they're plenty if times where I wish I were dead, I can't do it myself.

One day I may be happy, and even if I'm not and destined to be sad and angry, I'll always have the Death God waiting for me with open arms...

Paganism and Death

Death is not the enemy, Death is a friend. People and faiths all around the world act as if it is something to be avoided, to be hated, but through the pain it causes there is a blessing, a gift that could not be attained by any other means.

It is the great equalizer, a force that takes all things and is a blind smiter, ignorant of color, religion, money, nationality or social standing. It is feared because it can come at any time for any reason and cannot be fully controlled. With our laws and treaties we stop one another from bringing death and harm to each other. Death is not so timid, coming with the strength of a hurricane, the devastation of a bomb to cover borders far and wide.

Everyone has a place they would like to go when they die, a place of peace is what's generally considered, where death is nonexistent and joy is full and reigns supreme. My personal belief goes counter to all of this because I see all of these heavens as simple wishful thinking. We have no idea of what happens when we die beyond us going into the ground, because of this I just incorporate that into my faith. As we are embraced by the numb grip of the earth, our minds as well as our body are taken; the spiritual (mental) death and the physical (bodily) death comes and we are gone.

We may be gone from this world, but as our cells and energy are broken down into the earth we come back as part of the driving force behind the clouds, animals and food that helps give rise to another life. In this sense we are all living embodiments of our ancestors, everything that we touch and will ever touch will be made out of some of their energy. When I look in the mirror I need not cry, I see my grandmother, my ancestors, everyone who has ever existed before me in me.

My personal faith and outlook towards death is very centered in doing things naturally as well. Once I figured out the process of embalming I was mortified. Why in the world would I allow my body to be returned to the earth full of poisons and preservatives? Each person has their own beliefs and desires, but for me, it equates to desecrating a gift given to me. I understand the impact that it could have as people who care for me get their last view of me, but I couldn't allow for such a thing.

If I were to die right now I'd rather a natural one without the poisons and sadness. What a great occasion it would be for me to return to my home! To go back to the reservoir that brought the whole of the land into existence. I want oils, flowers, torches, I want my burial to be a ritual in itself as my lifeless body goes to be used for another purpose. People will miss me, but I am happy to think of the day where I cross into the unseen world, back into the ether.

Odd isn't it? A young twenty year old thinking about what will happen when he dies, without a care in the world? It may seem idiotic, but death is the ultimate end and start, the very foundation of life. Why fear something that grants so much life? The soil, oil, and trees themselves depend on the breaking down of dead and dying matter to survive. Without death there would be no life.