Militrary Pagan Group Ponderings

Its been a little over a month since I've arrived here and since then there hasn't been much going on in way of religious activity, ritual wise I mean. However, a few days ago I decided to go over to the chaplain office and discuss the possibility of performing rituals in one of their rooms, which was greeted better than I anticipated to be quite honest. Since I've decided to try and perform rituals here I'll need to start gathering materials necessary as well as try and branch out my practice so that I'll be more educated on ritual formats that I have avoided altogether during previous years of worshipping. With my oath renewal ritual about to end in a few months (more of that in another post) I'll soon be able to wear my pentagram necklace as well as perform said rituals.

However, an even more pressing thing has entered my mind as of late, and that concerns the possibility of having a Pagan group on base, which is a thought I've had since before joining. It turns out that there are some Pagans here and from the information I've been able to gather they seem a bit distant as far as cohesion goes, which is all fine and dandy considering we all have jobs to do. The thing is that I would love to get all the Pagans and spiritualists together for a meeting so that we would be able to get to know each other and actually be able to grow from each others' beliefs and views. I don't know if it will work since there's a process that must be done and I already know that there will be hoops to jump through since there is no Pagan chaplain for one and second we'd have to start from scratch. I already know that I would have to jinn up interest as well as a dedicated list of people who want to come every meeting, have a list of materials we would need and show that there is a need for a group on base.

Gathering the information necessary to present to the higher ups is no problem, not much more for me than explaining what the faith is and how there isn't much else in terms of religious support specific to our tradition around since that is an unfortunate truth of living in a terribly remote and small city. The difficult part I find is that they would need a leader for the group, something that I'm not all too inclined to be since I just want others to be supported and have people to speak with from a religious sense if they're having troubles. If not that then it would probably be good to have a simple study group here so that I could learn about what other people believe and see if there were any practices or the like that I could perhaps use in my own faith. A good exchange of ideas, especially with a majority being Asatru, a faith that I know little of save for the warrior aspect, beside that I'm quite clueless, so it could be a good idea.

Throughout my holding of the faith I really haven't been given the opportunity to speak to a group of Pagans in any meaningful way, so in many respects I'm very excited to lay eyes on another I know that I'm looking at a religious brother of mine. For now I'm still stuck in the thoughts phase since I'm unsure how serious I want to make this. I have as much time as I choose to give myself, but for now I know without a doubt that I absolutely need to start working on my own faith as soon as the time comes to renew my vows early next year.

Evening Prayer

I now prepare to fall into the darkness of my dreams.
Bearing witness to mindless thoughts and feelings within me.
I call upon the Goddess ruler of the darkened sky.
To bless me with a charm to stand the wounds that lay inside.


Pain and guilt, anger, hate I cast into the hand.
Of the Goddess beyond the brink of the hori-zon.
May she cast away that which seeks to harm me.
And bring an illusioned world with happiness in bounty.


To dark-ness I now descend with sleep upon my eye.
And seek to rest relenting to the ripening slumber inside.
Farewell I say upon the name of the Sun Lord.
As we descend into the reign of the spirits' hold

Revival Of The Gods

 

For months I've been considering the time that I've spent relatively distant from the Gods since moving away and how as a result I feel detached and unstable when it comes to my praise of them. Due to where I live I'm of course unable to do outdoor rituals or anything as public as I used to, though even then it was within the cover of the trees to avoid having to deal with ignorant neighbors or further intrusion from their kids or those who felt entitled to invade my space. Here I am though, alone and away from these people for the most part, free to celebrate as I wish and to never have to worry about time constraints created by having to worry about anyone other than myself. Yet here I am doing relatively nothing short of being in the social media haze that I saw people get caught up in back at home. Its weird how when I was under pressure to not celebrate and express who I am that I went to my altar and worshipped the Gods like a mad man, yet with me not being under that type of pressure my practice has shrinked considerably.

Everything can't be blamed on something as superficial as that because since I've been out on my own I suppose you could say that I've been going through a development of trying to find my place out in the world and finding a place within myself if that makes sense. I've still been holding onto the faith and have been praying and thinking of the Gods and how they fit in my world and how I fit in the world in general. I still feel their pull when I get up in the morning and see sights like this, the beautiful sun rising above the shadow of the mountains to greet all below with the first kiss of morning's breath. Its inspiring to me when I get up after spending a minute or so to give my morning prayer and walk out of my door and see this lighting up my face; I swear that the entire time it takes me to go to my job I look at the view and thank the Gods for being blessed to see such a day. Slowly I feel it coming back though, the will to revert in many ways to how I was back when I first took up the faith and strive to make my world brighter.

Right now I'm in the process of a ritual that I developed before I moved called the Oath Renewal ritual, which is a time where I realign my practices to better reflect the vows that I took up years ago for a period of several months. At the end of the ritual I hope that everything that I've built up from the past up until the end of the 'grace period' will be connected and I can feel like the Pagan I know myself to be. It's a difficult task to take up for me, but I feel that it will all be worth it in the end as long as I keep the faith dear to me and do not stray into the abyss of questioning my faith and its validity. Everyone has that period of questioning themselves and why they do what they do, but its a necessary phase because it forces each of us to give ourselves a gut-check and figure what's important to us. I myself have had this phase repeatedly over a period of several years and have come out a little bit stronger every time that I've survived.

But now the question is what will I do now? Its so easy to speak about the past and to hope for a better future, but if I'm not really working toward seeing it fully realized then what good is there thinking about it in the first place? The first thing is the most important, baby steps, baby steps. Its easy to go in a blazing hell fury like a stampeding army with prayers and rituals and all of the blazing spectacle of Pagan might, and I must admit that it sounds pretty freaking awesome now that I think about it. However, I think that it would be better for me to take things slow since I plan to not burn myself out when it comes down to it, going from a state of inactivity to blazing glory within the week. No, I plan to implement things in a slow and concessive order and build myself a wonderful faith practice engineered by my own will and the power of the Gods.

Pagan Pride At Work

So after a particularly stressful day at work and needing a bit of relief I reached for my pentagram pendent and rubbed it so I didn't go all bat-shit crazy on some associates I work with. It took the whole day, but eventually I was able to keep it together and continue my "accident" free streak of not bugging out. After that whole situation of needing some Pagan prayer the thought of wearing my pentagram publically came to thought. Of course it is something that I normally prefer not doing for the simple fact that I don't like getting strange looks from people or questions from people that deter from me actually doing my work. After that personal nightmare though I found myself routinely looking at the mirror trying to see how I would look wearing it. Afterall, once I walk out of the job I throw it out of my shirt and wear it proudly, so why would I or should I care what others within the store think? I've encountered ignorance sparsely throughout my tenure as a nature spiritualist, showing pride if nothing else would enhance my work ethic and skill since I would always be reminded of my vows upon my conversion only months before.

I understand that there's a time and place for everything, but let's be honest that displays of faith are plastered across the work world in varying concentration depending on the person. If I wanted to no one could stop me since its a constitutional right and the fact that they're plenty of others who display their faith despite the probability of encountering ignorance. At the end of it it's all a matter of personal preference, but I have to consider what may happen if the bullshit gets started with customers or other associates. I could do the easy thing and file a complaint and if things go straight to hell contact my local news agency which will go all out against the store if they go all shitty to them, though knowing the leadership of the store that'll most likely not happen. I always have options, I just need to decide if I want to act or not. Acting means I'm being true to myself on a secular and religious basis and can do my job with a clearer conscious. Not doing it means always remember to hide an important aspect of myself, saving face for the sake of those who may be ignorant...

Lets also not forget the outreach that can be done if I decided to wear it, bringing the face of diversity to a business that could use it. From an educational perspective it could be great because then its like I'm being a 24/7 representative of my faith as well, normalizing it to dispell misplaced fears against it. I wonder how many minority faith adherents considered this very thing when they were first getting off the ground. I may very well not do it, its such a simple act but could have unforeseen ramifications. .decisions decisions.

Is Any Place Sacred?!

And yet again there is a disruption in my space as a bulldozer cut straight through my ritual area, smashing through my elemental pillars, and voiding the space I dedicated to the Deities of nature for some simple manholes. It makes me upset that a direct path was cut from the road straight through the heart of the woods for them, let alone the fact that whoever was there actually tried to smash apart my altar but couldn't since I reinforced it underneath. The altar itself was clearly out of the way, but in whoever it was' attempt to be an ass they tried anyway before quitting. Though I had already moved my things after the flood that mudblasted the area into a dripping sticky mess, I'm still somewhat shaken as to how close I came to all my struggle and getting the little bit I could afford being found and destroyed for simple pleasure. I long thought after that massive flooding that it happened for a reason, not knowing that had it not happened, everything would be gone, left to the mercy of ignorant outsiders who don't understand why they're there.
Thank the Gods for such a blessing, but I ask myself if there is any place that is deemed untouchable in my local place of residence. The woods where I live have been ransacked over the past five years, taken by a small nearby city for wetlands, the other side being hit to destroy a junked up tennis court, which opened new trails that forces me into one spot that could be found were someone to look closely enough. Its sad how much woods were snapped up, but I pray to the highest Divine that I am still able to retain my outside area or I won't know where else to go. Its impossible for me to do celebrations where I live, and I have some private materials I don't want being seen by my noisy mother. I am left in worry, but I know I must stay strong.
This reminds me of a previous incident I had when some kids who lived I'm my neighborhood decided it would be the best thing in the world to trash my space. My garden, wind chimes, everything that made my little slice of heaven beautiful was mercilessly thrown, broken and torn. The amount of hate that erupted in me was inhuman and vastly different from me, and I hope to never go back there again, but it saddens me all the same to see this type of ignorance situated against someone who doesn't even bother anyone. A long time from now I think it would be best to live in a forested area where I'll be free to do as I please and be at peace in the woods, away from trivial and often daft beliefs and customs that I see as destructive and self serving. My outlook on life is vastly different from mainstream society, my beliefs make me an essential misfit that can't be placed in many social groups on any deep level because my simple beliefs run in the face of what many people my age are taught to value. Its not that I see myself as better than anyone, but that my views and beliefs are a fundamental 'other' that many people don't normally see in an everyday black teen.
Anuway, I was thinking of perhaps having a mobile altar or ritual area so that I can practice wherever I choose and not be rooted to any singular space. The issue itself is where to have all of my items in the first place. With the entire section of woods where I live now being accessible by whomever decides to walk throyght the woods my choices are severely limited. If the last area of woods where my altar is housed now is compromised then I may have to vacate the woods entirely until further notice. It'll hurt very badly since I've been celebrating holidays and doing meditations there for all of my Pagan conversion, but I suppose that if I must that I'll have no choice.
May the Gods be with me, Divinity knows I need an awesome blessing right now...

Change Of Heart With Pagan-Christian Relations

Perhaps its due to my edges with Christianity that I became so blinded as to the spiritual needs that I have yet to quench, the pain and enequality that I endure and witness online and in life that clouded my vision. I've decided that it makes no sense to constantly rant and rave about the need for increased dialogue between the two faiths and try to create peace. After an epiphany of sorts, I've seen that before we can even get into talking about being better with other faiths that we need to look in our own faith and resolve how we treat other practitioners. Its not as if we can have a kumbaiya moment, but the amount if shaming, infighting, and needless bickering between our varied factions is unbecoming of us as practitioners of balance, peace, love and compassion. As an individual practitioner who feels wronged by my first faith, I feel that I have many scars from it and because of that its led ne to focus more on them than on me and my own spirituality as a whole. It would be a good thing of Christians would stop trying to roadblock us and protest everything we do in the name of their God but at the end of the day you can't stop a bird from flying lest you break its wings. In other words, one direct method of resisting their protesting ways would be to mirror their own actions- not the only way, but a way that would egg a response from others in general though doing that would make us no better than them.

What I think we is simply ignore them, those who seek to guilt trip us into damnation aren't real Christians for one, but false claimers who claim a truth they do not live. We should just live as we do and simply take the high road when they come to be ignorant. Acknowledging the fake ones would be like giving a bully attention, you simply invigorate his stupidity and senseless actions. By showing no care as to their protests we invalidate them by default so that they go from false practitioners of Jesus' teachings to mere rambling children that whine on topics they have no power of. Its but one way to deal With them, but I feel that this constant public relations campaign some of us to is simply a waste of energy. Do as you will, sure, but it is just a suggestion from one Pagan to another.

Of course not everything is one-sided, we have plenty of practitioners on our side who not only play the victim but are ready in a snap to target and attack Christians as well as "Christians". This needs to be stamped out because it delegitimizes our ways and our very own teachings. Force is not a good option, and I believe that foe the most part we do a good job of self regulating our brothers and sisters to not be as ignorant as the others. However I believe that we should be more open to those who like me have scars but unlike me as they have deeper wounds that cause trouble with their mindset. A sense of openness and acceptance is key to closing such wounds and promoting a more peaceful and balanced world outlook.

We have a lot more pressing issues to focus on, a lot more people who would welcome a different perspective, a lot more important political, environmental, and societal changes we could make instead of worrying what group wants to raise hell over our views. Let them embarass themselves, but focusing on those dedicated to misunderstanding us is a waste of time. Now don't get me wrong, they're a plenty a Christian who actually live the tenants of their faith, and to them I am thankful. People who accept our differences with open hearts and open minds with no intention of focus blasting us into their ways. But even then, you have to work on the innards of the house before you work on the issues in the yard.

What's Our Purpose Here?

Why are we here and what is our purpose for being here? Are we made directly by the Divine to be caretakers of the Earth, accidents made from a simple celled organisms or what? Considering that we crave to have meaning in our lives, seeking out answers for everything we observe and question, its only a matter of time before this question comes up. So are we something special, a unique form of creation tasked with a specific duty? Answers range wildly depending on who you ask, but as far as I'm concerned we really aren't all that special. Every animal has their special ability of you will, birds being gifted the ability to fly thousands of miles around the planet, whales that can dive miles below to the very bottom of the ocean, even something we consider as simple as dolphins being able to communicate and hunt via sound. For us our ability (though apparently not in EVERY human) is to think. Through our highly intelligent minds we have the skills that could help benefit everyone or cause great wars that destroy and plunder our race and every other natural creation. With that of course comes with the price of being next to useless in Amy other endeavor. Were we to be out in the cold with no technology now many of us would simply die.

So with us being so specialized in our unique skill is there a special charge we hold? The answer to that is more optimistic than the previous, yes. I don't believe that just by our being here we have some special order given to is upon our inception, that's just silly to me. I do believe that with us having the near inconceivable ability to essentially destroy the planet if we choose that we have an obligation to the planet. Our obligation in my mind is to ensure that the environment- which touches every aspect of planetary life be it human or non human- is healthy and running well. With our numbers overrunning the planet on a monumental scale its only a matter of time before we stress mother earth so much that we see catastrophe encircle the globe. If we realize the damage that we do then I believe we can reverse our actions and live in better equilibrium with our home. Its hard to see the vision now, but we have a responsibility to this world, just as quick as we are to exploit it for our own gain we should seek to repair the damage that we have wrought.

I find it odd when people tell me that we somehow have a God given duty that was bestowed to us upon our creation since for one it took millions of human generations to get us to where we are now, its not as if we were plopped down and Deity said here's your instruction pamphlet. I suppose that when you put things in the context of religion that suddenly things go from precise and straight to all woobly and distorted. This isn't the case for every faith, but a fundamental truth of many, including ours to an extent. No matter the context, the fundamental question is what are we going to do with the power we have been granted. Our coming about may have been a natural thing that was destined to happen, but we are here- in mu opinion- to just live. Beyond the responsibility that is implied when you consider our power, I believe that we as a human race are here to simply live our lives however we may choose. What we do with it is purely are choice, but I can't believe that its a preordained order formulated by the power of Deity.

Think about all the trillions upon trillions of stars, planets, asteroids, and life in general. How can one be expected with the entirety of the universe that we are somehow so special? That we are somehow different and more important that more complex organisms that lay outside our interstellar observation? Sure we're capable of greatness, but how can one consider us humans so 'special' when we're ready to wage wars and kill hundreds of thousands for simple differences such who one believes in or the color of your skin? Great Gods, we can't even figure out how to take care of the poor yet we're so ready to blast rockets into space which could feed millions of needy and starving children and act like we're so important because we found one of the endless number of giant space rocks out in some outer region of space. All of the money we spend year after year to go above and beyond in things like the houses, some spending millions for rooms and property they barely go to, buying expensive purses and watches that amount to nothing but a chunk of metal and a heap of fiber, money spent to try and impress others with makeup from famous people- which are just glorifications of greed- its unbecoming of us as a race and seriously damages our right to claim greatness.

Its not a guilt trip I seek, but a revelation of how imperfect we are as people. Imperfection is good since it allows us to seek better, but if I'm to believe that my Gods designed me specially unique and better than all other creations in the universe with all of our petty flaws and skirmishes, then my Gods aren't not as great as I imagined.

Pagan Creation Theory

One of the saddest things about Wicca and general Neopaganism is that there are no set beliefs on how the universe was made. While its good to have the freedom to believe whatever you choose to, creation is one of of those vital little details that gives many of us validation as believers. Its a double edged sword in that manner, which sucks, but opens the mind of practitioners to develop their own theory of creation and expand from it. What I do in my practice is take scientific knowledge and translate it into religious ones, that way I'm keeping my own identity by using facts or current theory to explain my practices. And since I already know that I may be wrong its easy to modify the creation theory as scientists discover more about this big fat universe.

I generally attribute the beginning to Deity, the nameless, formless and genderless creation form that came before all things, within its spirit came the light, the spark that transformed the fertile depths of spiritual energy into the physical energy that burst forth to create all that is and all that will ever be. From this burst of shining light comes the Great Spirits, the overarching forms from which everything is made. Each of the four correspond to the elements of Earth, Air, Fire and Water as well as the four lessons of the pentagram. Strength, love, knowledge, and will plus balance, which is of the Spirit- another name for ethereal Deity. Beyond the Great Spirits comes the six forms of the God and Goddess, creation forms that now have genders attached to them. These gender forms do not qualify in literal male or female terms to me, but are representations to energy that is either spiritual, making it of the Goddess, or energy that leans more into the physical world, making it of the God.

Of the God and Goddess comes their cyclical forms, three for each energy form. For the God there is the Lord, Father, and Elder, which represents the young, mature, and elderly forms of the God. For the Goddess there is the Maiden, Mother, and Crone, which are of course the young, mature, and ancient aspect of the Goddess. Though my descriptions of the God and Goddess make it seem as if my faith is centered around duotheism that's actually a misunderstanding. When I say 'God' or 'Goddess' I am actually talking about all divine forms, since I see all gods goddesses and their forms as being one under the single idea of the God and Goddess. From the two fundamental energies I see the two of them being under the all powerful name of Deity, which is nature, life, exixtence, the Universe.

Spiritual Upgrade

After much time wishing for an opportunity to change my humble ritual area into something more akin to my old one I finally got the chance. Yesturday I was actually able to find a piece of construction board that I can use as an altar table and a few tree trunks from my old ritual area to construct a full ritual space. There are just a few adjustments I need to make, but once a few key details are taken care of then I will be ready to consecrate the space in the name of the Divine.

I'm not going to love doing that dedication ritual being that it involves invoking all eleven core aspects of the Divine. I thought that if I'm going to take the time out to go ahead with blessing a space that it should be done with Deity in full audience. From each aspect I plan to ask for a specific thing that each aspect represents. It'll take a long time, but in the end I believe its worth it since its for the right cause. I remember the last time I did this a while back ago after I redid the elemental directions in my space, it took two and a half hours to do and was extremely exhausting physically and mentally. I had to constantly ground myself again and again and eventually was able to complete it. I expect the same thing to happen this time so hopefully my meditative skills have improved the past year or so since last I did it. Once its reblessed and I'm able to actually call my new space a blessed space I was wanting to decorate it a bit. The last time I did that my stuff was destroyed by some neighborhood idiots, which makes me iffy about doing it. A better thing in my opinion would be to engineer a type of tool that will allow me to have everything posted so high up that it would be next to impossible for any idiots to screw up my things for their own twisted enjoyment.

I pray that everything goes good, with the woods in my area being encroached upon and destroyed, its only a matter of time before I won't have an outside area dedicated to worship. I'll leave that for another post, but for now all I can do is hope and pray. As of right now everything is coming together, the board that will serve as my altar is next to the space and its support beams are nearly there as well. I just need to buy a hand saw to cut the long board in half so that it won't take up unnecessary space. Once that is complete I just need to clean up the area, widen the stone circle around it, and get to making that altar. I'm happy that I'm so close to making another one as I feel each move I'm forced to do brings out my resolve to live my religious life as I see fit. Admittedly I don't like having to constantly move, but since its something that can't be helped for the time being I may as well adapt and keep strong.

When everything comes together I will a dedicated holy site where prayers, rituals, and acts of divine worship will be more common place. Especially with the growing dark year, which is my favorite time of year, I'll be glowing amongst the darkness of the space. Illuminated by candlelight, saying prayers and worshipping the deities that gave rise to this wonderful green earth. To the skies above and earth below, green around and fire within I will honor all aspects of all creation of all the Divine.

Faith And Family

Oh happy day, guess who suddenly wants dinner with the family!? My aunt! Anyway, without getting into too much personal detail, one of my aunts wants to have dinner, and it just so happens to be after my whole conversion ritual, which means I usually where my pentagram when I go out. By itself it doesn't cause a dilemma, but since I'm the only pagan in my family and it just so happens that not everyone knows about it, damned near no one in fact, the question becomes where it or not? Well actually that's not a real question because I'm either going to wear it or I'm not going, point blank. I refuse to hide my faith as if I'm ashamed of it or as if its something bad. It'll be weird since I haven't done it at all before, but how can I truly call myself a Pagan if I can't even stand up to my family? Notice that I'm saying it in the plural form, because once she finds out it will eventually trickle down to everyone else, which doesn't matter since they dont talk to me in the first place. It'll be funny in its own twisted way, proving if blood is thicker than water in many respects. If they are truly worthy of being called family in my eyes then they will accept me, I understand with some hesitation, but if they go all out against me and trying to pressure me - which is an impossibility- then it means that in the end perhaps they don't truly wholeheartedly love me.

Yes, I know, DeShadara is being too strict, but I know them- somewhat- okay, enough to get the feeling it'll turn out almost as bad as it did when my mother first found out. Hopefully it'll all be good, but if they transform into those "friends" I had to deal with before then I'll be a-okay. I mean, we're only connected by blood, other than that we have no real connection as of the past few years. But it will be a bit nerve wracking to say the least, but something I think I must do because it should be done. I know plenty of Pagans who struggle with this decision on a daily basis, people who have stronger family binds than I will ever experience and have real concerns of becoming virtual outcasts in their own homes. Having family who either outrightly insult and degrade them or try their absolute best to pressure them to convert.

In a perfect world family would actually act like family and not like those we have to deal with in everyday life. They would love us, care about us and support us. But alas we don't, and that is something I've grown used to, so to the dinner I go pentagram hugging my neck!